I Stand before the Mirror
seeing myself at a distance,
How I have grown from child to boy to man.
I see the triumphs and failures
the victories and the missteps
Oh, and the embarrassments
(Why are they so prominent?)
I look from a distance and see
a man, standing like a tree
frozen in time
a still life painting
in that mirror.
I am, overall pleased with what I see
I have tried and for the most part succeeded
in living a good a moral life.
My ego bids me go closer to the mirror
to rejoice at the successes of my life.
In the end, that temptation overcomes
trepidation and I move closer to the mirror.
From the one who watches with me,
I feel a bit of sadness, like a father
wishing to spare his child the pain of bad decisions.
Moving closer has indeed brought
my image into sharper relief.
More detail is there
The successes are larger and clearer
but so too the failures, the times when
for all my pride in being a faith filled servant,
I did not approach my father’s measure.
On balance, I think to myself,
the mirror still shows a strong and successful man,
husband, father, servant of the Lord.
I would, I think, make my earthly father proud.
Then I think, but as a father myself,
I find pride in all of my children and praise their gifts.
What will the Just Judge think?
How did I measure up to the standards he set?
I want to look closer still.
It is not ego this time, but curiosity.
Again I fell the ting of sadness
from the one who watches with me.
Closer to that mirror now
much that was hidden in the distance
is now quite clear, and I am stricken.
There was not much fruit on that tree
that was me.
I did not know how many of my success
measured by earthly standards were failures.
I did not understand how little things I did and said
cause others great pain, how witty I had thought myself.
Here and there, yes, there were bright spots,
but not the ones I expected.
The times I thought myself weak,
unable to affect change or provide a solution,
those times good came from actions I thought failures.
I could see my faith now more clearly
and again I was taken aback.
What I thought was living a pious life
was all inwardly directed, it made me feel good.
It made me feel superior, and I am ashamed.
All those opportunities to be the selfless servant,
wasted, missed.
Why did I want to look closer?
Then the words came to me,
Out of a distant past.
"Vanity of vanities, says Qoheleth,
vanity of vanities! All things are vanity!"
And the one who watched with me,
from him I felt compassion and consolation.
